The Snack Blog

NSFM2012 - Day 23

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 23:19:44 -0600

Featured snack: Reese’s Crispy Crunchy bar

Rating: 13 Bart Simpson endorsements

Review:

I’ve always liked Butterfinger. For a long time, it was my go-to vending machine choice. The problem is that Butterfingers are so dense and one-dimensional that you kind of lose your taste for one by the time you are 3/4 of the way through it (they are also really big). Plus, Butterfinger’s claim to be “peanut-buttery” has always seemed a bit dubious to me - that crunchy almost toffee-like substance that makes up most of a Butterfinger is a lot of things (including completely delicious) but I’m not sure I would describe it as having the qualities of peanut butter. Anyway, we all know the king of candy peanut butter answers to the name Reese (and to his boss since 1963, Mr. Hershey).

What Reese’s has done with their new “Crispy Crunchy” bar is solve all of the (aforementioned) problems I didn’t even know I had with Butterfinger. The smaller, lighter, and more peanut-buttery bar uses actual peanuts in the chocolate coating in order to take away some of the burden from the filling. The filling is more nuanced too, with a thin layer of classic Reese’s peanut butter on top of the crunchy Butterfinger-like base of the bar. The result is not only gooier and not as likely to crumble in the wrapper as Butterfinger, but just an overall more satisfying and multi-dimensional snack.

Of course, we wouldn’t be where we are without the trail being nobly blazed by Butterfinger (and his predecessor, the Chick-o-Stick) so I don’t want to come across as ungrateful to a candy bar icon. Butterfinger got me through a lot of Freshman year High-School lunch periods as it will continue to do for generations and my hat is off to him. But, like any lunch room, there should be room at the table for the new kid.

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 22

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 22:47:00 -0600

Featured snack: Fig Newton (by Nabisco)

Rating: 14 “It’s not a cookie, mother, it’s a Newton”s

Review:

Figs are such an unlikely fruit to include in a snack. In fact, I think the only other time that I ever had a fig was once at a fancy party and it was wrapped in bacon. Or maybe that was a date. No, it was a party.

I’m tempted to end this post after that totally amazing joke but I feel it is my duty to continue long enough to let you know that you shouldn’t be tempted by nostalgia or any other force to eat these ever. They are really gross. It’s not that the concept of the Newton is so bad - it’s actually really great - it’s that figs are gross and grainy and don’t belong in a shitty Nabisco cookie.

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 21

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:02:01 -0600

Featured snack: Gourmet Cheddar Gladcorn

Rating: 101 A-maizing corn mazes

Review: Sometimes I get questions from readers of the snack blog about why certain snacks or certain types of snacks aren’t included for consideration on the blog. Is it that I don’t consider them to be a snack? I decided that for NSFM2012, I would stick exclusively to what I’ve been calling “mass-marketed” snacks. For me, this means mostly “snacks that you find in a gas station or convenience store”. I can’t say exactly why it appeals to me to only write about these kinds of foods. One reason might be that I find it more interesting to dissect the marketing and branding implications of these snacks than to explain why I like to eat vanilla yogurt by the bowl (which I do). Another might be that these were the kinds of snacks I was living on when I started the original Snack Blog in 2007. Another might be because it’s easier to find images of them on google image search.

Anyway, one setback of focusing on snacks that are marketed and distributed nationally is that it makes it hard to discover snacks that are truly original. If I’ve learned anything from my exploration of smaller regional brands (see Vitner’s week), it’s that there are entire categories of snacks available to the person who strays from the Frito-Lay/Mars/Keebler/Little Debbie/Nabisco/other people who invented National Snack Food Month multi-verse.

One of my favorite places to purchase snacks has long been a health food store in the Loop called Kramer’s which is where I found Gladcorn. I find Gladcorn’s self-designation as an “A-maizing Corn Snack” to be accurate. The larger-than-usual toasted corn kernals come in every stage of utter deconstruction, from entirely whole to totally unrecognizably inside-out. The variations of size and texture are what make the snack excellent. The exploded kernals carry the powdered flavoring much more effectively but the whole kernals give the snack intense crunch and (for lack of a better term) corniness. They end up snacking like some kind of wonderful hybrid of popcorn and Corn Nuts. Here’s what the package looks like. If you ever run into them, buy them at once.

Now, just because a snack isn’t widely distributed doesn’t mean it isn’t heavily branded. The savory snack convention of using the back right side of the bag to write ad copy addressed directly to the snacker is usually taken advantage of by smaller snack brands wanting to present themselves as homemade and natural to introduce you to the rural couple that discovered the snack one night in the kitchen of their farmhouse, were convinced by friends to mass produce the snack and now are so deeply and sincerely happy to have the privilege to share it with you (yes you) and Gladcorn is no exception. Where Stan and Gladys Friesen of Mountain Lake, MN (known to me now simply as Stan & Gladys) go beyond the usual script is where they sign off with a (presumably favorite) Bible verse: Jeremiah 32:2,3

“This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, he who formed it and established it. “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

Normally, I would feel not offended exactly, but maybe put out by being forced to look up a Bible verse when I’m enjoying a snack. In this case however, I’m glad that Stan and Gladys saw fit to call upon the Lord, learn of the great and unsearchable things that are exploded corn kernals that are not popcorn and bring them into the world for the rest of us as Gladcorn. Thanks Stan and Gladys!

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 20

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 23:35:02 -0600

Featured snack: Trader Joe’s Pumpernickel Pretzel Sticks

Rating: 74 Lederhosen

Review:

I don’t think it is controversial to suggest that salt is the best and most useful of all the spices. Of course, what makes salt so great is its ability to enhance the flavors around it instead of being its own flavor. It is like the John Paul Jones of spices in that way.

This is what has always made pretzels a bit of a puzzle to me. I’ve never thought that a bread stick, albeit a crispy bread stick, held an interesting enough flavor to be enhanced. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the bread sticks commonly used for pretzels are so neutral, so empty of personality, that the flavor of pretzels becomes essentially the flavor of salt. Needless to say, this doesn’t make for a very compelling snack experience.

Trader Joe’s Pumpernickel Pretzel Sticks avoid this problem simply by using a more interesting and delicious bread as the central vehicle of the snack - giving pretzel salt, perhaps for the first time, something useful to do. Was that so hard?

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 19

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 16:27:00 -0600

Featured snack: (Limited Edition) Coconut M&M’s

Rating: 2 1/2 blocks

Review:

Mars Corporation is well-known for constantly adapting, improving, and spinning-off its various products to create buzz and boost sales. Well, I fell for it again the other night.

I have always been a sucker for coconut in all of its artificial or natural forms so it was a pretty safe bet that I would like these. Coconut, however, is not a flavor known for its subtlety so the real surprise was how tastefully Mars was able to introduce the flavor without it becoming overpowering or cheap-tasting as the snack progressed. I was a little confused about whether there was actual dried, sweetened coconut inside the M&M’s themselves as one might expect there would be based on M&M’s other varieties. You are probably thinking, “Why didn’t you just look at the ingredients on the package?”. Well, this might sound silly but I was eating them in the dark on the way home from the convenience store and they were so good that I finished them by the time I got home and by then I didn’t care. I guess that last sentence is as descriptive a review as I can give.

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM - Day 18

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:58:00 -0600

Featured snack: Trader Joe’s Falafel Chips

Rating: 26 orders of extra hummus

Review:

There have been a couple of forces in the last 10 years that have changed the snack game pretty profoundly and TJ’s is definitely one of them. Their trail mix section literally paralyzed me this morning. Seriously, some Lakeview lady was like, “Um, are you going to decide soon because me and my yoga pants have a date with some Unsalted Pistachio Nutmeats, mmkay?”

That said, sometimes I think they get a little more credit than they deserve. For instance, they’ve made a really good effort with their (relatively) new Falafel Chips but they haven’t taken them as far as they could have. The colorful patterned border at the top and the very slightly Saul Bass-esque typeface give a nice 60’s-era exoticism to a snack that will surely seem slightly exotic to people who were alive in the 60’s.

However, I can’t for the life of me figure out why TJ’s wouldn’t drive the message home with their trademarked vehicle for communicating their products’ cute, non-threatening, tongue-in-cheek attempts at faux ethnicity. For convenience’s sake, I’ve looked up and listed some common Middle Eastern male names that start with “J” as well as their meanings (the better to accurately brand with, of course).

Jabir - Comforter; one who consoles

Jabbaar - Mighty King, attribute of Allah, one who consoles the bereaved

Jaaved - Alive, living (used when siblings have died in the family)

Jael/Yael - Mountain goat

Jaleel - Great; glorious, eminence, majesty

Jameel - Handsome, physically and morally attractive, name of a sahaabi

Jamsheed/Janshaid - Sunshine, lights

Jauhar - Diamond, gem, jewel, pearl, the essence of anything

Jibreel - Form of Gabriel (the angel)

I’m partial to Jaleel but I’m also a little biased because of my well-known attachment to a certain block of family-oriented sitcoms broadcast on Friday night by ABC in the 90’s (and the actors involved therein).

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 17

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 22:45:53 -0600

Featured snack: “Dirty” brand Sweet Potato chips

Rating: 3

Review. Why would you name your snack brand “Dirty?” Why?

We know potatoes grow in the ground. With dirt. We know that.

Anyway, these chips were ok. There are better sweet potato chips.

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 16

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 21:49:00 -0600

Featured snack: Pollito Alvbro

Rating: Quince Paletas Ricas

Review:

In the interest of performing a public service for Chicago snackers, I thought I would try to clear up a mystery that has plagued many of my snack-shy friends and acquaintances.

The question: what do those little chicken-shaped suckers from the bodega taste like? Do they really taste like chicken?

Answer: They taste like a sort of sour peach-flavored candy with a bunch of chile powder on them. I think they are meant to replicate the flavor of mango with chile which makes sense because mango con chile is a delicious Mexican snack available at food carts city-wide and occasionally as a pre-packaged snack using dried mango.

Of course, this leaves an even larger mystery: why are they chicken-shaped?

Unfortunately, even after a grueling 15-minute internet search, I wasn’t able to find any information on this. If anyone has any leads, please send them to thesnackblog@gmail.com.

Fortunately, this is the kind of delightfully wacky, unexplainable mystery that only serves to make this wonderful snack even more delicious.

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 15

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 19:53:11 -0600

Featured snack: Little Debbie’s Nutty Bars

Rating: 26 grade school cafeterias

Review:

Like their biggest competitor Hostess, Little Debbie has been producing affordable, individually-wrapped cookies, cakes and pastries for sweet-toothed post-war Americans on the go for decades. And they’ve been doing it at a price point consistently lower than their candy competitors one aisle over. Unfortunately, to produce these shrink-wrapped wonders so that they can sit on the shelf for so long and so little cost, they have to rely rather heavily on things like hydrogenated oils, processed flours, and tons of weird preservatives.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Nutty Bars are an exception to this rule. A look at their nutritional information can be disconcerting, even to an unrepentant snack-addict like your humble narrator here.

I am going to sit here and tell you, however, that Nutty Bars are singular in relation to almost all of the other products in the Convenience Snack Cake universe within which they sit, whether they be Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s, Swiss Rolls, Star Crunch, Ding Dongs, Mini Muffins, Sno-Balls, Fudge Brownies, Fruit Pies, Marshmallow Pies, Oatmeal Creme Pies, Donuts or Donettes in that they are not totally depressing and gross.

Nutty Bars manage to occupy a unique position in the world of mass marketed sweets in that their are neither candy bar, snack cake, or cookie and yet they look like the former, eat like the latter, and are marketed and sold like the middler; a perfect tripod of all the things that are good about what happens when you put sugar and flour and oil together. Their light, wafered elegance and perfect, paired proportion allows them to transcend the sticky, overly sweet and clearly (to the tongue and eyes) chemically preserved nature of their brethren. And damn it they are so good.

A lot has been said in the media lately about the possible ending of an American Snack Cake Icon. It won’t bother me at all to see the Twinkie go the way of the Pudding Pie but if anything ever happens to Nutty Bars, we’re going to have a real problem.

Happy snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Days 9-14

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 11:58:00 -0600

Featured snacks:

Sizzlin’ Hot Cheesy Corn, Cool Ranch Crunchy Kurls, Sizzlin’ Hot Salt n’ Sour Potato Chips, Hot n’ Spicy Corn Chips, Jalapeno Nuggets, Kosher Dill Pickle Potato Chips

Rating: Midterm Report Cards

Review:

Well, it has been a busy week but I’ve managed to spend some of it with an array of Vitner’s-produced snacks (and some pals). Here’s the blow-by-blow:

Day 9 - Sizzlin’ Hot Cheesy Corn - Pretty darn hot. Not really what I’m looking for in a popcorn. The graphic featuring the Vitner’s mascot (a righteous bag of chips named Vinnie) with flames coming out of his trademark saxophone was some comfort however. Grade: B

Day 10 - Sizzlin’ Hot Salt n’ Sour Potato Chips - These were easily the highlight of the week. A trusted and dear snacking friend (whaddup Snackmaster!) has, for a long time, claimed this product to be the hidden jewel of the Vitner’s line and I have to say, after my terribly un-scientific survey, I agree with her. Based on the other “Sizzlin’ Hot” varietals, you might think these would be too hot, or even too busy with all of the artificial flavorings going on. Wrong. They are a beautiful balance of hot and sour - along-celebrated flavor combination. They come across as sophisticated and satisfying as any snack on the market. Score one for Chicago. Grade: A+

Day 11 - Cool Ranch flavored Crunchy Kurls - These were aptly described by a snacking compatriot as “Menthol Cheetos”. Enough said. (h/t CL and RT) Grade: C

Day 12 - Hot and Spicy Corn Chips - Straightforward and predictable. I suspect these are meant to fill the rather inexplicable gap in the Frito-Lay “Flamin’ Hot” line (more on that here). I find, as I suspect many snackers do, the corn chip to be a little too dense of a delivery system for such an intense flavor. Too hot for little ol’ me. Grade: C

Day 13 - Jalapeno Nuggets - These were another very pleasant surprise. They are not exactly what they appear to be - which is smaller pieces of the Cheetos-like “Crunchy Kurls”. They have instead the unusual consistency unique to dehydrated or freeze-dried products (the “marshmallows” that are the raison-d’etre of Lucky Charms come to mind). Combine the outside-of-the-box texture with the left-field charm of the jalapeno flavoring and you’ve got a snack that really brings something new to the table. Fortunately, they come in a very small dosage (imagine a sleeve of peanuts) as I’m sure their novelty would lose its appeal through an amount usually associated with mass-market snacks. Grade: A -

Day 14 - Kosher Dill Pickle Potato Chips - Rejoice. Frito-lay does not distribute a pickle-flavored potato chip nationally so it is up to regional brands to pick up the slack on one of the most indispensable treats for discerning snackers. I’m happy to report that Vitner’s, while not quite as complexly flavored Louisiana-based Zapp’s (or even as texturally satisfying as the formerly Chicago-based Jay’s boutique line Krunchers) still do a fine job of bringing the goods. I’ll give it a solid B+

Thanks for reading and

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 8

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:58:00 -0600

A bit of an editorial change of pace here on The Snack Blog today. In order to call myself an “Online Snack Journalist,” I should sometimes report on news and events relevant to the snack beat. Well, early this year, it was reported that longtime Chicago snack brand Vitner’s was being sold to the Los Angeles-based snack producer and distributor Snak King. While both parties have assured the public that no substantial changes will be made to their operations or products (just as all parties always do in a merger) I have decided that it may be a good time to shed some more serious light on the occasionally underrated line of snacks that Vitner’s has offered for almost 40 years. So, to honor this historic change in snack distribution, I will feature only Vitner’s products on The Snack Blog for the next week, starting today. Note that my intention will be to introduce you to these snacks rather than use them as a jumping-off point for my trademark musings. However, by NSFM Day 15, I’ll be back to my old format. Thanks for reading.

————————————————————-

Featured snack: Vitner’s Baked Corn Pops

Rating: 6 hand-me-down Bulls championship t-shirts

Review:

Those of you that read The Snack Blog closely will have detected by now a distinct flavor of anti-elitism. It’s true that I view snacking as a democratic ideal that challenges the tyranny of prescribed meals. It is also true that I hold a certain disdain for the culture of self-congratulatory food obsession that has recently swept our nation.

That is why I really wish - deep in my heart - that I could say that Vitner’s Baked Corn Pops were just as good, or better, than Pirate’s Booty but it is simply not true. I wish I could tell you that the humble hometown hero was better than the flashy foodie favorite. I wish, with all of my being, that I could tell you honestly that in a fight, a bag of chips wearing sunglasses and playing a saxophone could kick the crap out of a skinny pirate with well-groomed facial hair but I can’t. I wish that the brand so rag-tag that a digital image of their product cannot even be found on their website could produce a better and cheaper snack than an outfit that still uses flash animation and sound effects loops on their insufferable tribute to early 2000’s web design but alas dear readers, I cannot.

To paraphrase the great Woody Allen: The taste buds want what they want. I would like this to show that for all my rhetoric about snacks and snacking, I will still report as faithfully and as objectively as possible to you, my readers, what snack tastes best. Unfortunately, all of the middle-class Chicago upbringings in the world cannot change the fact that Pirate’s Booty is lighter and tastier than Vitner’s greasier, slightly styrofoamy Corn Pops. Oh well.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 7

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 21:44:00 -0600

Featured snack: String Cheese

Rating: 5 After-School Specials

Review:

There are plenty of snacks that involve cheese but very few that are cheese. That’s what makes String Cheese one of the best snacks ever - it makes it okay to just straight up eat a big old hunk of cheese.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with cheese and crackers - C&C’s place in The Snack Hall of Fame has been cemented for as far back as any snack historian can remember - but they often require considerable equipment, prep time, and assembly. String cheese does away with all the contrivance and cuts straight to the reason everyone showed up in the first place. It’s like being able to have Simon and Obama without Garfunkel and Biden. Like watching a Blu-ray without having to watch 20 minutes of promos about how awesome Blu-rays are or Downton Abbey without the inexplicable introduction by Laura Linney. Like having shitty movies without having the books they are based on that are written basically like screenplays to shitty movies. Like being able to cut a mediocre double album down into a kick-ass 12-track banger. I’m talking all killer, no filler. That’s what I’d like String Cheese to represent.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 6

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:30:00 -0600

Featured snack - Premium Mixed Nuts (CVS brand)

Rating: 1,000,000 Credit Default Swaps

Review:

Honestly, I can’t believe how long it has taken me to say this out loud: one of the great triumphs of modern capitalism is the $5.99/10 oz. canister of Premium Mixed Nuts (no peanuts!). There is literally no snacking problem in the world that can’t be solved with this singular but multi-faceted delight. However, that’s only one of the reasons why PMN’s are the #1 motherfuckin’ Power Snack of all time.

If you’ve ever spent any time around the rich and powerful in a setting that falls anywhere in the spectrum between professional and social, you will know that there will no doubt be at least 20 lbs. of these puppies spread out amongst about 100 porcelain dishes in the vicinity. Why? Because PMN’s are the perfect vehicle for the most powerful snacking gesture known to man: “The Tumbler” (not to be confused with the popular single-vowelled blogging platform).

The Tumbler is the unique, one-handed gesture that precedes one of two actions: the rolling of dice or the casual tossing of items from a snack mix into one’s mouth from afar. It is meant not only to select and position the variously-shaped items of a snack mix into the proper position for direct trajectory, but also to convey a certain smug nonchalance in the performer. Nothing says, “I could ruin your life with a few strokes of the practically half-pound pen dangling out of the pocket of my blue Brooks Bros. oxford (with white collar and cuffs, of course - the apparent uniform of powerful assholes nationwide) you worthless slob. Now stop picking up your cashews one-at-a-time with your goddamned pinkie hanging out and a be a man.” like a Tumbler performed at the right event with the right attitude and timing (preferably with the other hand occupied with an actual tumbler of something single-malted and/or a simultaneous conspiratorial chuckle).

The truth is that PMN’s are, because of their considerable weight and multi-shapedness, the prime candidate for The Tumbler. However, it’s a good thing that they are also readily available to the rest of us for power snacking of any kind - like the Super Secret Snack Drawer variety irresistible to cubicle jockeys like yours truly. Here’s to one of my all-time top 5 (no kidding); Premium Mixed Nuts (NO PEANUTS!)!

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 5

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:58:00 -0600

Featured snack: “Salsa Rio” Doritos (Limited Edition!)

Rating: XLVI confused looks

Review:

Today is not only the 5th day of National Snack Food Month 2012 but the day of the 46th Super Bowl, a day that has become, for many, the most important single snacking event of the year. For my featured snack today I chose the mass-market snack that has arguably been the most closely associated with this televisual and cultural event.

For those who might dispute this claim, I will show a short highlight reel of great Super Bowl moments brought to you by the Doritos brand before I give my review of this snack.

1994 - Chevy Chase employs the popular “breaking the 4th wall’ technique of 90’s advertising to call even more attention to the spectacular failure of his short-lived late night show on Fox.

watch

1995 - Recently defeated gubernatorial candidates Mario Cuomo and Ann Richards are featured in an attention-getting ad in which they discuss the prospect of Change (a “change” that turned out to be the dramatic change to the design of the Doritos bag.)

watch (unfortunately the add isn’t isolated on Youtube but the truly curious can wait until the 9 min mark)

1998 - Former Miss America Ali Landry becomes a household name overnight with a commercial for the now-discontinued Doritos 3D line.

watch

2006 - Frito-Lay launches a contest in which fan-created Doritos ads compete to be aired during the big game. Some of the ads go on to become the most popular Super Bowl ads in recent memory inspiring uncreative marketers in every industry to attempt to cash in on the trend of “user generated content”.

Now that can’t I remember why I just spent the last hour hunting down and analyzing these videos (time better spent than actually watching the game, I guess) I suppose I should write some kind of review of the featured snack.

“Salsa Rio” (or “Red Sauce”) Doritos just taste like regular Doritos. They are a little more tomatoey, maybe. Just like yesterday, the nostalgia producing packaging had the most to do with why I chose the snack in the first place. Spoiler alert: marketing wins again.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 4

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 23:37:08 -0600

Featured snack: Pearson’s Maple Bun

Rating: 100 those were the days

Review:

This product practically leaped out at me from the candy aisle of my local convenience store tonight. Amongst the shiny Peanut Butter Snickers and Reese’s Fast Breaks, it looked like it had been mistakenly transported from another decade. Of course, I was drawn not only to the quaint simplicity of the packaging but also the rare prospect of trying a maple flavored snack.

Sure enough, Pearson’s candy company has been around since 1909 but only added the “Maple Bun” to its roster in 1998 after acquiring the trademark from Clark Bar. Their flagship product was a little thing called a “Nut Goodie” which retailed for 5 cents at the height of its popularity in 1912 and, as far as I can tell, differs slightly or not at all from the Maple Bun - both feature “a creamy maple center covered with real milk chocolate and fresh unsalted Virginia peanuts.”

In terms of critical analysis, I should begin by saying that I did not have high expectations for this snack. I am not so naive that I would let nostalgia dictate my standards for taste (well, not usually). However, Pearson’s Maple Bun disappointed even my most moderate hopes.

To begin with, I found the “creamy maple center” to be about as appetizing as the words “creamy maple center” (should’ve seen that coming, I guess). The milk chocolate was waxy and the fresh unsalted Virginia peanuts failed to make any kind of impression (honestly, some salt might have helped).

Remarkably, this is what passed for delicious candy 100 years ago. How do we explain the fact that a snack so mediocre has survived a century in not only one but two forms? I assume that the nostalgia-factor recedes as the population that appreciates the memories associated with it do. Perhaps, like the other seemingly unsustainable but shockingly resilient phenomena of the American Experience (professional hockey, gross income inequality, lawns, etc.) some things are just so ingrained in our culture that no amount of taste and common sense can remove them.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 3

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:49:36 -0600

Featured snack: 7/11 brand Hot Dog flavored potato chips

Rating: 1,060 Holy cows!

Review: When I first saw this product at the 7-11 near my place of employment, I actually looked around the store in disbelief like, “Is anyone else seeing this right now?” I literally couldn’t believe it.

Little did I know that many people nation-wide were not only seeing it, but writing about it. From Huffpo to Fill-in-the-blank-city-ist: these things were making an impression.

As well they should. I want you to know that I don’t throw around the phrase “Game Changer” a lot and even though I don’t believe snacking is a game, I have to think that if it was a game, it might be a game of baseball and, as we know, no undertaking of America’s favorite pastime is complete without America’s favorite sausage-based sandwich, not to mention that this imaginary “Game” has definitely been “Changed” by the introduction of this sausage-based sandwich-imitating snack. What?

Anyway, we’ve all heard about the amazing chemical feats of tongue-defying artificial flavoring pulled off by the famous “Flavor Factories” of New Jersey, thanks to Eric Schlosser’s indispensable account in “Fast Food Nation” and we’ve all heard about the stomach-turning grotesqueries of the modern mass-produced hot dog thanks to a lifetime of horror stories perpetrated by exactly the type of anti-American rumor mongers that populate this particular site of psuedo-journalism (and others like it). The question is: how could we have known that one day in 2012, one terrible institution devoted to the devolution of American cuisine would obsolesce the other?

Yeah, I said it. Hot dog flavored chips may very well destroy the hot dog industry. Here’s why:

The 3 flavors that make a hot dog undeniably delicious are, in order of importance, the same 3 flavors that meet your taste buds IN SEQUENCE (!) when you eat these miraculous 7-11 chips.

Those three flavors are, unequivocally (no matter how much Doug Sohn and his ilk want to add duck fat and whatever else to the list):

1) Mustard

2) Nitratey/salty beefy fat juice taste

3) Onion

That’s it. That’s why me and everyone else craves a hot dog at least once a month. Now we can satiate that craving for a mere $.89 plus tax. I’ll leave it to others smarter than this snack blogger to decide whether this makes the world a better place or not but I can say with confidence that it makes the snacking world a lot more interesting and delicious.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 2

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:17:00 -0600

Featured snack: Black Cherry Almond Clif Bar

Rating: 14 Carob-biners (see what I did there?)

Review: Here’s the thing: I like Clif Bars. I eat them on purpose because I think they taste good. I’m speaking mostly of my favorite variety, “Black Cherry Almond” which has a nice cross section of chocolateyness, chewiness, and nuttiness that is very satisfying and definitely does not feel like eating candy (even though the sugar content and caloric value isn’t too far off from your average candy bar).

The real reason that I like to eat Clif bars is because it provides for me an outlet to fantasize about a snack utopia where all food is compressed into convenient and portable units that preclude everyone from having to make the numerous complicated and difficult nutritional and aesthetic decisions surrounding food that inspire us to do the most deplorable things possible (like taking pictures of our dish when we go out to a restaurant- what is that?)

In my Snack Utopia, no one ever has to worry about what they are going to eat for lunch or how long it will take to travel to an eating place or if they will have to wait for a table when they get there or if the hostess will be dismissive and/or rude. They won’t constantly be talking about a new restaurant that opened in their neighborhood and what kind of vegetarian options it has or what they cooked at home the night before and which of the two grocery stores (Whole Foods or Trader Joes) they had to go to to get the ingredients for it. Instead they will simply go to the eating place and say, “One Food Unit, please.” and be able to spend the rest of their time and energy (an energy increased by their perfectly balanced diet, no doubt) on the things that matter to them and other people like work and spending time with friends and loved ones. Oh, and they will all dress like Future Alec Baldwin:

And they will never go rock climbing. Especially not on fake indoor rock walls.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

NSFM2012 - Day 1

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:46:00 -0600

Featured snack: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers

Rating: 100 yums

Review: I thought I would kick off NSFM 2012 with a Classic. That’s with a capital C. The designation of Classic is reserved for those snacks that, no matter how many times you encounter them, never steer you wrong.

Speaking of steering, I feel it is my duty to make sure my readers know that the idea that real goldfish only have an attention span of 3 seconds is a myth that we use to feel okay about keeping them in small bowls. I also feel the need to point out that this was proven by a 15-year-old Australian boy, not a couple of smart asses with a show on cable.

Anyway, I’m not saying that there aren’t cheese flavored crackers that are more flavorful, or even animal-shaped snacks that are more fun. I am saying that Goldfish Crackers exist at a perfect nexus of innocent, wholesome fun and utter deliciousness and relatively guilt-free snackability FOR A REASON.

To prove it, I will again bring to your attention the Pinkie Sweep Maneuver. In an earlier entry, I coined this term to describe the gesture used to most efficiently dislodge the build-up that certain snack products inevitably leave between the molars and the inside of one’s cheek (you know the one). You also know from experience that:

a) Goldfish Crackers are arguably the most effective snack at producing this build-up.

b) The Pinkie Sweep is difficult to perform with any amount of grace or dignity and is rarely performed in polite company by self-respecting adults.

I would like to suggest that the reason that Goldfish Crackers have been tirelessly engineered and re-engineered by the people at Pepperidge Farm (who even after years of successful branding added the trademark eyes and smile to the fish shape in 1997) for the maximum amount of innocent, wholesome fun is not to make them more appealing to children (to whom the snack has always been notoriously appealing) but rather to effect the proper amount of childhood reversion in adults necessary to inspire the guilelessness required to perform the Pinkie Sweep without guilt or apology. I would like to suggest that this careful engineering was taken on because they (meaning these Pepperidge Farm geniuses, in their almost inconceivable snacking wisdom) realized that it is not just uncomfortable or unpleasant but nearly impossible to enjoy a handful of their product without the relief that a properly executed Pinkie Sweep provides.

If you think this claim dubious, then I challenge you, reader, to purchase a standard 1.5 oz bag of Goldfish Crackers (available wherever snacks are sold) and eat the whole thing without once performing a Pinkie Sweep. Then email me at thesnackblog@gmail.com.

Happy Snacking,

Seth

National Snack Food Month 2012 - Mission statement

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:41:00 -0600

Hello snacking friends.

It’s February, which means that, according the Snack Food Association of America, it is National Snack Food Month (henceforth NSFM). Ever since my friend Ellen first told me about this fake holiday invented by industry insiders in order to boost sales during a typically slow season, I’ve decided to, each February, make it a personal goal to eat a different mass-marketed snack every day of the month and share what it makes me think and feel. Why? Because I think snacking is important. Also, it allows me to pass off my abhorrent eating habits as a charming quirk.

Since I started blogging about my thoughts regarding snacks in 2007. The number of outlets, big and small, that have entered into the arena of what I like to call “Online Snack Journalism” has grown considerably to the point where it seems that another voice of snack criticism is no longer needed, especially one that is so clearly personal and biased. However, after some deep think/snacking, I have decided not to let the panoply of voices deter me from adding my own. This is, after all, The Internet which, as far as I can tell, has mostly to do with a lot of people saying the same things over and over again with sometimes someone saying something new. If I can be that person once or twice this month, all the better.

So dear readers, instead of giving up my project now, when NSFM is under more criticism than ever, I have decided to continue into the 3rd year of my personal experiment in snacking, this time with an emphasis on the personal. In this way I hope to provide a unique perspective and share something worthy of myself with you, my fellow snackers. I appreciate all of your support and feedback during this (leap) month. So I wish you a happy National Snack Food Month 2012 and, as always, I wish you

Happy Snacking!

Sincerely,

Seth

Happy trails

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 10:40:47 -0500

Snack Blog reader Mercedes writes:

“Do you make your own trail mix, and if so, what do you put in it?”

Weirdly enough, I have never bothered to make my own trail mix although it seems like a great idea. Trail mix is one of my favorite snacks but it rarely has all of the ingredients I crave. I do know that if I ever did mix my own, there are things that would definitely be high on the list of things to include. Such as:

Cashews

Sesame sticks

Raisins or craisins

Almonds

Wasabi peas

Freeze-dried pineapple chunks

There are also things that I would definitely NOT want to include:

M&M’s or any other kind of chocolate

Those chewy dried date sticks - so gross

Dried, sweetened banana

Also - this one might be controversial but I would not include sunflower seeds. I love them and while there might be something to be said for their ability to draw the different elements of a trail mix together, they are simply too small. They collect at the bottom of the bag, throwing off the delicate ratio and making it more seed-heavy at the end of the mix than the beginning. Another idea for something lighten the mix might be cereal. I happen to think that Cheerios are really tasty on their own and could lend an nice oatey texture to a mix. Alternative trail mix ingredient suggestions are heartily encouraged from all Snack Blog readers.

Thanks for writing Mercedes.

Happy snacking,

Seth